text-sub-text

And after that short break, we're back...

2007-10-15T17:10:00.000-07:00

...and so my apologies to my legion of fans, but in between writing for various outlets, I have become employed again. Yes indeedy, some enormous internet concern has decided to pay me for my sage advice and ramblings. Gawd bless 'em. That and I've been to Spain, Switzerland, Ireland and Greece on a semi-sabbatical. T'was grand in Greece, marvellous in Madrid, zany in Zurich and diabolically dull in Dublin.

Never mind all that: what have I missed whilst I've been away?

For a starter, the new Sony advert with the play-dough bunnies. Like 'Paint' and 'Balls', it looks great on my Toshiba LCD and even better on my Pioneer plasma. If it were selling paint and balls and toy putty, they'd be fucking screamers, but they ain't, and they are not. 'Bunnies' takes it's cue from a Japanese artist who created work that gets hung up in Sushi bars all over the world. The rabbits are great...it's just that the point of the advert gets lost when it looks so good on a better telly than the Bravia. That said, Panasonic have just put out something far more unremarkable, yet it may well sell more LCD's because it's got crumpet and scary animals and cars in it.

We've also had the Orange campaign, which has been universally (and rightly) panned for it's tweeness. The latest effort on my screen shows some kids turning a sofa upside down to make...hey, it's a computer...and now they are re-arranging the sofa and cusions and a throw and rug...hey, it's a telephone...with a dial...I ain't seen one of them for decades!! I'll definitely get an Orange plan if I can treat my house and furniture like a bouncy castle.

Talking about mobiles, Apple have introduced the iPhone, and it's a wonderful thing. I know, I have one. However, it's also slow as fuck to get onto the network through it's EDGE comms package, and it's also not a great...phone.

The campaign currently shows people chatting about how they use the iPhone in their daily lives. It's not cutting edge, or breakthrough...which is a shame because the product nearly is. You won't care about the people in this advert. Apple have gone down the solutions demo route, and it looks pretty ordinary.

That said, what to make of the Vodafone campaign. Two of the adverts stick out for extra-special throw-monkey-shit-at-the screen treatment. The first is the pastiche of Groundhog Day where the guy rushes to meet some floozy he's picked up, but hasn't cemented yet. Every time he gets near her...bang he's back in the office. Eventually he goes postal; the advert is cut just after he starts torching his cubicle, and just before he blows away his work colleagues with a Remington.

In the end though, through the power of wifi-net capable devices, he gets to bang the chick and produce like a good worker bee: Vodafone save the day for his cock and his boss. Yes, this advert is not aimed at the individual, but at the corporate sector. It's the most unromantic advert masquerading as a romantic advert you will ever see.

The other advert in the Vodafone 'Make the Most of Now' campaign is a poster I see every time I fly into Dublin Airport. Just as you dive down into the baggage reclaim section, there's this gurning fool staring down at the floor. He's clearly meant to be a Dublin bohemian: a touch of a scally, a touch of a lad, a touch of a professional, a touch of a romantic. He's got a scarf on, just to state that.

He looks like someone who would be lying comatose in a Temple Bar alley at 2.00am covered in kebab lettuce and his own urine.

There's some other stuff. A Toyota advert where some bickering couple wander down the street arguing, get into the piece of Japanese mid-range bore-mobile and magically put aside their differences. See, you are having the Mother of all domestics, you open the door, get in, and voila!! It's mock-leather fascia and sporty dials make all differences seem trivial.

Even if you've just told your wife you really were in love with her sister, the Toyota will save you from a knifing with a 20cm Global. A really bold campaign would have had one of these shot on the West Bank between an Israeli conscript and a Palestinian taxi driver. But they didn't, and the advert is dental floss.

I've said it before and I'll say it again. Buying your wife a Porsche will make her stop bitching at you. Not a Toyota.

There's plenty out there which are equally as vacuous and as empty-headed and as bereft of any semblance of a sales sense, but we have all the time in the world to slice and dice them.

Nice to see you again.

Expressing An Interest In How The Mighty Fall.

2007-06-10T07:42:00.000-07:00

Company - American Express
Product - Credit Cards
Brand - American Express
Agency - Ogilvy New York

The Advert - Shaun White (a skateboarder), Andre Agassi, Sheryl Crow, Alicia Keyes and Ellen DeGeneres sit in atypical studio backdrop profile, suited and booted. Alicia tee's off telling us how great the gift is to be in a position to make a difference. Andre, Sheryl and Shaun (a skateboarder) back him up, citing how cool it is be in the public eye and to be able to tackle issues like the environment, African relief, medicines for the needy, and kid's issues.

Ellen looks on.

Some ordinary Joe wanders onto the set. He chips in about a lake he would like to be seen kept pristine. At that point, Marty Scorsese, who is directing these people who are 'in the public eye' asks who Joe Schmoe is. "I'm Tim, from the office next-door, but keeping that lake clean is what matters to me".

Shaun states he went to the lake once. It was nice, he adds, balefully.

Marty decides the kid can stay..."He's got a good face...don't smile...arms folded...OK, don't..."

Ellen tells us about how she bathed there once, and her swimsuit went up in flames when she took it off. "It happens to me when I swim", she reckons.

Scorsese's heard enough of her shit...."OK..just like that..."

A shot of an AMEX card and a voiceover explaining how Amex will give five million bucks towards a a project suggested by a member.

Strapline - American Express - Are you a Card Member?

Writing in his 'Lies Well Disguised' piece recently, Mark Copyranter talked about some agency exec describing adverts like this being filled with 'Attention Vampires': in other words, personality's so big, they suck the oxygen from the product they are meant to be promoting.

So what do AMEX do? Get half-a-dozen of the biggest cross socio-economic-cultural hero's / heroine's alive in the US today, stick them on a pedestal and get them to not mention Amercan Express or their product once.

To make up for it, the voiceover at the end lasts a good 15 to 20 seconds of the advert: it's like Ogilvy looked at the cut Scorsese gave them and went

"Oh farken. We've paid him now."

And promptly taped the voiceover onto it, hoping AmEx's exec's won't notice how shoddy it is.

Look, for starters, no-one gets on set when Marty Scorses shoots. I know this for fact. Tim and his back-pack would not make it past the air-lock before being spread-eagled on the ground by a guy called Tino, who would then shove Tim's right arm up his ass.

And Sweet Jesus, Martin, what about directing these fuckers? I have no idea who the skateboarder is. I thought he was just another over-the-hill rocker from a Bon Jovi covers band. Skateboarder's wear shorts and have permanent water-on-the-knee. Fucker's dressed in Prada? Come on.

Sheryl Crow looks like she's been taking Lance's post-treatment morphine, Andre's gone Mini-Me and Alicia's soporific. Worse of all, Ellen must have had a good knuckle-banging from Portia the night before, because she's decided she can write her own stuff and deliver it whilst comatose.

She's as humourous and as original as a credit card bill.

Marty don't need the money for new joint's, I'm guessing, so why did he allow himself to be seen as the 'star director' in this televisual equivalent of mashed potato?

Is it because Bob did his, and Harvey did his?

If all of these people donated their time and appearance fee towards good causes, then it's just about redeemed itself.

However, they seem to have forgotten that all over the developed world, people are racking up enormous debt on their credit cards that they are unable to pay, and are encouraged to go even further into the mire by the likes of AmEx, who offer them even more lines of credit.

"They should'nt apply if they are in the shit that much" I hear you say.

Truth is, they should'nt get the LOC.

Amex are saying "Join us: we'll hit you for a staggering APR and we'll hit you with members fee's and we'll smash you with penalty fee's if you are late paying us."

"However, although you'll be up to your ass in credit alligators, and you'll be forced to shove your youngest daughter out of school and up a chimney, you can write to Andre and Alicia to nominate a good cause, like maybe decorating the hotel suite that your Gambler's Anonymous group meets in".

If the leaders of the G8 really decided to give the money they pledged to African poverty, it would not matter one iota. Because African's everywhere are paying for the debt burden's their governments continue to rack up. And they owe that money to banks and financial institutions, just like American Express.

And logging, oil and mining companies all use corporate credit cards...a lot like American Express.

Finally...Tim. He's watched these youngish multi-millionaires talk about their issue du jour, and he's interested in a lake?

Cure for cancer? Nah. Wanna fish, dude And drink beer.

HIV treatments in Africa? Nah, it's where we have our Spring Break G-Bikini meet.

Planet falling apart? You kidding? Last year we had a Girls Gone Wild shoot at that place. Was fuckin' aawweesuummm, dude.

Marty, Marty, Marty.

Man, whatever became of you?

I may not be able to drive, but please have sex with me.

2007-06-02T13:24:00.000-07:00

Company - Unilever
Product - Men's Fragrance
Brand - Lynx (US - Axe)
Agency - Bartle Bogle Hegarty

The Advert. A female English language teacher is teaching an elementary language's class. The class is populated by a mixture of people from non-English speaking backgrounds, races and cultures. She holds up a board with a boat drawn on it.

"Boat" she says. "Boat" the class answers in unison.

She holds up a picture of a cat.

"Cat".

"Cat" the class answers.

A young man enters the classroom, The teacher inhales his musk dreamily, turns towards him, and growls sexily

"Bom Chika Wow Wow".

The class, in unison chant "Bom Chika Wow Wow", even though she still holds up the picture of the cat.

The teacher looks slightly embarrased. The kid looks like he could soon be terrified.

Strapline: Improved Fragrances from Lynx. With added Bom Chicka Wow Wow.

Bird was once visited by her cousin Tom and two of his friends. They were all sixteen years old, and lived in her flat in Bournemouth for three weeks. They eschewed Bird's culinary delights, preferring to live on a diet of Pot Noodles and Cider.

And they did not bathe or shower, but did spray on vast amounts of Lynx to hide the stench of whatever it is that young men smell of. Which in their case was rotting pieces of pot noodle and semen, after Bird lent them some of her porn stash.

And essentially, this is what is known as 'The Lynx Effect'. To make young adolescents smell better than an old sock which is used to scrape jism off of a young man's belly after a good tumble to a copy of 'Razzle - Soccer Mom's edition No. 32'.

Lynx is a product which, lets face it, is something no-one but very elderly aunts buy boys for birthdays and Xmas. And truth is is that Unilever realise that most parents bringing up teenagers these days grew up with classic fragrances like Paco Rabanne, Quorum, Jazz and Iceberg. So Mum and Dad ain't gonna be buying the youngsters Old Spice or Aramis, unless they have fallen on grave misfortune and had to sell a kidney.

So the issue that BBH have to deal, the message they have to sell, is that Lynx is a righteous after-shave (or after having a wash and looking for the first signs of stubble in most cases) for the male yoof.

'Wassat you is wearing?" shall say Yoof one, to his mate.

"None of your beeswax, fuckface, but watch the beeyatches line up to propose some serious heavy petting, and maybe even a finger" will say his be-Lynxed compadre.

This is the scenario BBH are hoping for.

Poor bastards.

See, the sell is that no matter what you look like in those ridiculously low-slung jeans and Hannah Barbera cartoon boxers; you got Lynx on, the babes will want your joy juice.

It don't matter what time of day, what situation, what country...it's the elixir that will fix you, once applied with relish.

And so do the makers of Lynx apply one of the first disappointments of youth. There are many, but this is one of the first.

Applying too much Lynx in the hope that it will attract the mother of the kid who is fifteen years old and lives opposite you and still wets the bed AND has the same can of Lynx in his room, is one such let down.

Finding out most lesbians do not look like they do in those DVD's that Dad hides behind the Plasma, but instead look like Polish shipyard workers is another.

BBH are trying to up the sex stakes here, but it's almost laughably insulting to women, and not only towards seemingly intelligent and vivacious, virile women, but to ALL women. There is clearly a large woman in the class. I'm unsure what country she is from, but she is definitely a large woman, of colour, maybe from Mozambique or somesuch nation.

But when the kid walks in, does she get the Lynx effect? Apparently not. Large women over fifty are excluded from this delight. Maybe he prefers the more mature woman. Maybe that's why he's wearing Lynx.

What about gay males, you ask? This is a large class: a decent cross-section of cultures and races. And sexualties as well, I would suggest.

Not one gay male stands and thrust his hips out as the teacher does. The kid looks freaked: maybe he is at a sexual crossroads, in dilemma. Maybe his parents force him to wear Lynx in an attempt to deny his obvious homosexual tendencies.

The way I see it, BBH have pitched this advert primarily at very young men, probably between 18 and 24, who desire fucking their tutors or best-friend's mother or step-mother, and figure that spraying yourself with chemicals in order to become a mythical warrior capable of taming any wild woman is the appropriate short-cut to the pubic triangle of their wet dreams.

The teacher is not bad, but frankly, I reckon BBH would really have wanted her to have been teaching a class of fourteen year old males in school uniform. That would have made more commercial sense, even if it does purport to promote child molestation. And, let's be honest, no kid over the age of sixteen would ever wear Lynx, to the point that I figure that this advert should not have been shown at nine in the evening, but rather than just before the childrens watershed.

In fact, a great idea would be showing Po finding a can of Lynx in a bin. He sprays himself and there ensues an all-in strap-on TellyTubby orgy, with Tinky-Winky as head sow,

I actually don't mind this advert too much, because it made me reminisce of products such as Brut ('Splash it on all over") and Kouros. But it's a huge mistake pitching this to the 18-24 market. These guys will maybe buy one can, work out in ain't the panacea for virginity and dump it like last year's Benchwear. In fact, it's a tad tragic, or would be if it wasn't for the fact that most kids are way more cluey about materialism and brands these days.

However, like bullying, puberty and stealing your Mother's uppers, wearing Lynx is a passage of youth that most males will probably have to deal with at some time before they are old enough to vote.

This advert does not insult it's potential market, but it is a waste of money. Tying Lynx into products like X-Box and PS would have been far more lucrative and rewarding.

Now there's a concept...

Bugger all is sacred any more.

2007-05-31T16:41:00.000-07:00

Company - Volkswagen
Product - Automobile
Brand - Golf
Agency - DDB

The Advert: A man drives a Golf through the deserted early-morning streets of a city. Dogs bark, cops rub their eyes, shops are shut, stolen vans burn. As the advert runs, Richard Burton quotes from the BBC Radio version of 'Under Milk Wood' (edited from two seperate sections of text).

"And all the people of the lulled and dumbfound town are sleeping now."

"Hush, the babies are sleeping, the farmers, the fishers, the tradesmen and pensioners, cobbler, school-teacher, postman and publican, the undertaker and the fancy woman, drunkard, dressmaker, preacher, policeman, the webfoot cocklewomen and the tidy wives."

"Only your eyes are unclosed to see the black and folded town fast, and slow, asleep."

Strapline. When was the last time you just went for a drive?

Actually, I can't remember. But I'm pretty sure it was before petrol hit a pound a litre. And I drive a gorgeous Jaguar.

Now, I recently hired a Golf. It was a nice enough car, as it should have been considering it was on a 2006 late plate, but it had one thing about that made me a bit despondent.

It was exactly the same car as my wife had five years ago, give or take a few body and interior tweaks, and the removal of an 1800cc automatic engine and the transplant of a manual petrol version.

Same disco interior red and violet dash lighting, same feel, same ride.

Hadn't really moved on as a product, and as much as I appreciated it's ride around town and it's ease at parking and it's frugal economy on the way up to the West End, I didn't really think much more of it after I handed it back to Avis.

And there's an awful lot of Golf's around these days, so we all know what they are, what they do, what they look like. We all know someone who has owned one, but doesn't have plans to buy one any more.

So what are VW saying here? What's their agenda? The message?

They are saying that their car is so good, you will get out of bed, probably still drunk as a monkey or as high as a sherpa, and get dressed, and drive around your town when it is quiet. And therefore, there's a good chance that you are a lonely person, maybe an insomniac, with no other relationship in your life save that that you have with your Golf. And that's a purely late-night love affair.

Now, if you are this sort of sociopathic introvert who can't gel or bond with a human enough to get them into bed and be happy to sleep next to them, entwined, bonded and at peace, then at least when you do open the garage door at 3.00am, you will not be doof-doofing it around the block to 50 Cent as those oiks with Scooby-Do's do.

Nah. You'll be listening to Dylan Thomas's ode to the boredom of life in a Welsh village named Llareggub. Hold that name up to a mirror, and you get the telling descriptor for not only what is going on in Thomas's fictional hamlet, but what is also going on in the creative minds of those DDB hacks who thought a good ambient track shot with generic footage of night-driving almost entirely plagiarised from Michael Mann's 'Heat' and 'Collateral' would be 'cool'.

Richard Burton, a brilliant actor and drunk, recorded his 'First Voice' track many, many years ago, but it's gravitas and emotion still holds today. Bird immediately looked up 'Under Milk Wood', and found it available for download.

She did not look up 'VW Golf'.

See. God knows we've seen night-time driving adverts before. And we've seen adverts with voice-over's from the best actors of many generations sell their asses for cars, whisky, credit cards...you name it.

But this is a fucking scandal.

Burton was a maniacal genius as an actor, and Thomas's work is still a text worthy of study into how to create atmosphere from setting the tempo of a piece of writing.

And now here it is, flogging over-priced German hatchbacks over the top of some twinkle-twinkle plunking muzak. probably lifted from a Japanese airport sushi bar.

This advert screams out

"Please acknowledge that the Golf is ubercool, even though it's been the staple vehicle for all leather elbow-padded history teachers who have taught for the last twenty years".

Once more, idiotic creatives get too wrapped up in their own emotions to bother to engage those who are the potential market.

"Consumers is just like us" scream the Agency, "we love this advert".

Many creatives would love this advert for it's visuals and for the voice-over, but the truth is is that the same people who would maybe buy a Golf are probably glued to Big Brother. or fretting about interest rate hikes. Or both.

In fact a Big Brother episode shot in an agency like DDB, where the cell-mates have to all come up with an advert for the Golf...now...there's a concept.

Finally, no-one wants to drive through a city at night. There are speed cameras, and drunks, and breathalysers and congestion charges. Driving through a city at night is crap, especially after midnight. The only people who think driving through a city at night is cool are video directors, and they only do it because they can't ever forget the opening shots of 'Taxi Driver'. If this had had steam rising from a subway vent, it would have had the entire set of night-time cliche's attached to it.

This is just lazy.

Showing your car flipping over is a good thing.

2007-05-21T12:30:00.000-07:00

Company - Nissan
Product - Automobile
Brand - Qashqai
Agency - TBWA

The Advert: A silver-grey Qashqai is parked in a street. A shadow looms over it. It's suspension lowers, and then a giant shoe stands on it's roof, whilst another scoots it down the road. The feet flip the car (I believe the term may be 'Olly' or some-such) over some traffic lights Then they make it ride a vertical garage door and wall, through a puddle (it's an all-terrain, vehicle, geddit?), then another flip onto a building's roof and then the feet ride it between two skylights. The boots then aerial it off of the roof and land it on the top of another building's car park, whence they nose-to-tail it into a parking space between two cars whose alarms go off for no apparent reason.

Spoken - Compact, Agile and Tough. Introducing the Unique New Nissan Qashqai.

Strapline - Nissan. Urbanproof. Shifting Convention.

What.
The.
Fuck.

It's not a car, it's a skateboard.

I'll say it again.

It's not a car, it's a toy.

It'll cost quite a lot of money, and it's OK to stand on it.

I know Nissan's, and let me tell you one thing: the fucker's ain't built to be structurally hammered.

I mean...who thought it would be a good idea to show how easy the fucker rolls?

And the name...Keeriiist on a bike, Cash-Kai? Named after a nomadic people with no home land and historically hounded by the rulers of the terrain they wander through?

What next? The Lexus Palestinian?

Is this car pitched at the Romany population? Where are it's caravan-pulling stats?

Pull up a chair, Nissan, and listen.

All of those kids who three or four years ago were watching 'Lords of Dogtown' or 'Z-Boys' may well be able to afford a rugged, shit-kicking conveyance. Thing is is that it won't be this car. See, in the last decade, all of these soccer-mum's and sociopathic loners who have been buying fucking great gas-guzzling motors, like M-Class Mercs, or X-3 / 5 Beemer's, or Cayenne's, have now started to see the light, and are either tuning down to diesels or smaller, but equally obnoxious, SUV's.

And so there's a shed load of these cars with FSH on the market for those 'upwardly mobile but skint types' who want a five or six year-old polluting sight-screen.

Because they remain, and forever always will be, label-whores albeit on a low budget.

Which means they in-turn, will sell their Jeep Wranglers, or Grand Cherokee's, or Prado's or Hi-lux, or Landcruiser's, or Shogun's or ten-year old Range Rover's...or whatever the pieces of V8 shite are called very, very cheaply, to get the brand du jour.

Which in turn means...you guessed it. Motorway madness, with our recently-turned twenty-one year old at the wheel of a three-ton mobile garden shed. It's perfect for weekends away with the boys and girls, easy to bling up, built like a brick shit-house...and perfectly set-up to cause urban death and disaster.

Which means the Qashqai will end up not being the car that you take to the beach, or to the mountains. It'll be the pig that Mrs Smithers-Jones takes the labradors to the park for a crap.

All the FX in the world can't disguise this as a bland little vehicle that's destined for the auctions, and there's a good chance that it'll always be stuck with being a car that may give the A-Class a run in the Moose test.

Or at least, that's what Nissan are saying it will do if you put your big foot down.

Another commercial where the mistake is made of making the ad cleverer than the product.

iSmug? Don't worry, it's PC.

2007-05-10T15:26:00.000-07:00

Company - Apple Inc.
Product - Compuers
Brand - Mac
Agency - TBWA

The Advert - Two guys, one middle-aged, paunchy, glasses, suit and tie. The other, young, cool, jeans, T-Shirt and sneakers, introduce themselves....shit, you know the gist.

Anyway, these adverts have been going for some months now, and we all have our favourites. When they came out, I liked them, and personally, the 'Vista Security Guard' ad was my favourite. However, here's the thing.

These adverts are comparisons.

Mac Computers against Intel PC's.

Mac OSX against Windows Vista.

We've seen the way that Mac's are easier to set -up than PC's, how PC's get worms, virus, you name it..and Mac's do not. In the British version of the adverts, Apple even berate the way a PC is powered up, berating screw-in power leads as opposed to a Mac's magnetic clip.

Now, a disclaimer. I'm a Mac convert. I'm not an early adopter, because my experience with Apple's initial product offering has been littered with angry exchanges about poor operating software and duff iPod batteries. However, I do generally migrate and upgrade my Mac software every year, and generally, I'm in the market every year for a piece of hardware.

I like their designs; Apple have a history of great form AND function. The Newton was brilliant, TOO ahead of it's time. The Cube is in the MoMA. The iPod is (generally) fantastic, as is the iMac. Their operating system (OSX) works really well and is incredibly stable (now), and the applications I need to work with all function excellently, without fault.

And believe me, if the iPhone ever gets 4G compatability, working NavSat software, a twelve hour battery life and gets decent PUSH mail going with a .Mac account, I'll buy one.

In the middle of next year.

When the bugs are sorted.

So, why does a company whose products I endorse and purchase feature in this blog?.

Here's why.

No-one likes a smartass. As much as I find it hilarious that these adverts are really Steve Jobs taking the piss out of the likes of Bill Gates and (especially) Steve 'Monkey Boy' Balmer, this is becoming a stupid, negative and whiney camapign.

And it's also going to backfire if Apple continue to with this tack, because eventually, here's what the collective dweebs who knock-out PC boxes could do.

They could go around to Bill's house in Redmond, and grab hold of him and tell him, in no uncertain terms, to shut Microsoft Office for Mac OSX down.

Because this is what I would do, if I was IBM, or Dell, or HP.

Let's face it, Microsoft stopped building Internet Explorer for Macintosh because of Apple's championing of their Safari browser. So now that Apple are not just championing their own product but rubbing the noses of the competition into the cat's litter box, then smacking their head's back onto the floor, what is it gonna take for Microsoft to get angry?

Apple are saying

Our computers may be more expensive, but they look better.

Our computers now run Windows, if that's your flavour, but if you really want a great home computing experience, here's OSX and iLife.

Our Computers run Microsoft Office on Macs, albeit without Access and Explorer and Outlook. But we do have better software than Outlook, like Entourage and Filemaker Pro and Safari.

Our computers don't get the thousands of bugs you PC's get.

We're cool and you ain't.

We're radical, you are mainstream.

We lead, you copy.

Oh and by the way, we just announced that we're going into the smart-phone business, and have absolutely bum-fucked the Zune campaign into oblivion. All with a product no-one has seen, and very few have touched.

All of this is true. Especially the bit about the Zune, which must make Apple a word used only through clenched teeth in Seattle. Theorising, designing, manufacturing, marketing and advertising the Zune must have cost an awful lot of money. And what have Apple done, without even mentioning it?

Zune is not dead, but it is very, very unwell.

What would you do if you were Microsoft, and one of your competitors in the software and personal music markets put out a string of adverts which directly thumbed it's nose at the product which is your new, main revenue source?

Take it from me: no Microsoft Office for OSX, and Apple's computer market share goes from 6% to 1% in three months.

Now, could be that Apple are just a touch miffed that Windows Vista has quite a lot of OSX in it: in fact, much of it is embarassingly ripped off. But imitation is a form of flattery, and frankly, the latest releases of the new OSX have raised the bar again. In fact, it's fair to say that Apple's platform and interfaces are probably five years ahead of anything that Microsoft produce, with the exception of security. Fuck knows that Microsoft have to be good at security these days.

And Apple may just say that they are really on Microsoft's side, because their Intel-based computers allow switching between OSX and Windows.

And maybe Apple won't worry too much about this for another reason. The iPod is a terrific device, and I understand over 100,000,000 have been sold. And next year, it's estimated that over five million cars will be fitted with iPod interfaces. I'm having one built into my new car as I type this.

Don't think that it's not possible that Apple could out-sell a phone like Blackberry (who sold 3,000,000 units last year) four to one in two years.

But then...will Apple take the piss out of Nokia? Out of Sony? Out of Samsung? Motorola? Palm? Out of RIM?

I would not.

The collective guns of the PC and Mobile Phone market train their guns on Apple, and more to the point, apply pressure on Microsoft and Intel, then...well, as Steve Jobs likes to exclaim...

...Boom.

There goes the Mac. A player like Mac going out of the computer business....really, apart from the graphics and video industries...who will give a shit? Let's face it, when Gateway went tits-up a few years back, did it really dent Microsoft?

One more thing.

The UK versions just do not work. Whoever those two guys are (I understand they are comedians with a successful show), they just are not running properly. For some reason, the American PC is believable as a PC, whereas the English one is just another actor. Could be your local GP playing charades, actually.

Whereas the American Mac guy is quite cool and laid back, the English one reminds you of a Religious Education teacher. And the Japanese versions are hilarious: the PC guy is now so arrogant, and the Mac guy so respectful, he could be selling PC 3000 yen blow jobs in Kabukicho.

These adverts have run their course (the new internet-only US ones are really lame), and now it's time to move on. Pointing out the superiority between products is fine: doing it humourously is even better. Doing it repetitively, to the point of where your already-converted audience become bored and actively antagonises your (already pissed off and much larger) competitor's is stupid.

It's worse, actually.

It's smug.

It says 'we can't be touched".

Apples are there to have bites taken out of them.

Can You See It Yet?

2007-05-08T14:54:00.000-07:00

Company - Honda
Product - Automobiles
Brand - Civic
Agency - Wieden - Kennedy London

The Advert - A dark, deserted road. A group of people, men in slacks, shirts and ties, a single woman in slacks and top. They all wear white coats. They walk slowly down the road, together. They stop. A breeze gets up, flapping trousers and coats. They look like doctors or engineers.

Voiceover - An Engineer once said 'To build something great is like swimming in honey'.

The engineers start to run down the road, towards the glow of an off-screen white light. An industrial soundtrack starts up. They run faster and faster. The wind picks up, blowing them backwards, making them hang on to road signs, poles, each other. The wind tears down a shed in a pall of sparks. An empty drum rolls down the road, forcing a runner to hurdle it. It seems the maelstrom is winning...until one guy, seemingly unaffected and unruffled by the hurricane, walks calmy towards a red glow.

As his colleagues are (quite literally) blown away, he reaches up and touches the red glow.

Strapline - Honda. www.hondamentalism.com

There's the old joke about a guy who goes to a doctor about his terrible flatulence. The doctor asks him about his diet, alchohol intake. No issues. The doctor examines the guy. Seems to be no problem.

Suddenly the man apologises and rips an enormous trumpet voluntary of a fart

"FFFFFAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRTTTTTTTTHONDA..." goes his backside.

"Aah" says the Quack knowingly "you've got an abscess in your colon".

"Wow" says the guy, suitably impresses. 'How do you know?"

"Well" says Doc "Abscess always makes the fart go Honda".

See, here's an advert that is really fucking annoying. It shows no product, no logo (until the end), nothing to hang our hat on. Technically, it's very good: the shot of the (I assume) engineer reaching up as, in the background, one of his colleagues gets lifted into the sky is really well done.

But so fucking what. I mean...really. Fucking so fucking double-fucking what?

See, here's what Honda are saying in this advert.

"We, at Honda, build cars quite well, but we still build cars that we are unsure of. We're still really going down a dark path looking for the light at the end of the road / tunnel. We want you to know that when we go down these roads, we do it as a team, and that it's tough: things go against you. It requires teamwork and we have to support and help each other to help get over these obstacles, that we can neither see or understand. There's always a wind of change blowing against us, forcing us to adapt, to struggle to hold on to our grip in the market place."

"And even though we have some fuckwits who will never make the grade (and they get the heave-ho when we realise they made a right mistake with THAT cloth interior) we do employ at least one guy who'll at least be able to get there in the end. And he'll be so generically nerdy, you'll know we is smart. We poached that guy from Tefal by the way"

What the hell kind of message is that to send to their potential and current consumers?

Of course, you are directed to the 'Hondamentalism' website, where you can play games and listen to the sound track of a second-rate Formula 1 car. And you actually work out what the big red glow is: it's Honda's answer to the VW Golf R32.

Big deal.

This advert apes the scenes in Spielberg's 'Close Encounter's', where Richard Dreyfuss, playing an electrician, is out on a call at night and stops on a darkened road by a railway crossing to look at a map; and also the scene at the end when the mothership lands on the far side of the moon.

OK, it's not directly like that, but that's where the idea got nicked from.

The whole thing is designed to make you feel that that great red Honda glow is...something...amazing...new...unbelievable...and tangible.

Something out of this world.

And at Honda, they have a guy who knows all about it. He just can't show it to you yet.

Whenever I see an ad like this, I always think that whatever company is being promoted...they've got fuck-all new to sell. Adverts like this are not designed to actually sell something per se: they are their to remain nagging away in the mind of someone who has bought a rice-rocket, and may just be up for trading it in. And frankly, the R32, or Ford Focus ST have been ripping up the forecourts, so what Honda want you to do is to say...hold on. Believe us...we got something up our sleeves you is gonna love.

Finally, what the fuck is with that voice-over? "Swimming in honey"?

Swimming in honey would be real slow. Ponderous, laborious and sickly.

Jesus Christ on a bike, who thought that would be a good quote?

Last century, Honda had one of the all-time greatest ever Formula 1 drivers laboriously and painstakingly aid the design of the NSX. Ayrton Senna put his name to this car, did the testing. It's an all-time classic supercar: at the time when the Ferrari Testarossa was it's competition, the NSX was faster than the glorified Fiat, more stable, had better brakes, looked better and (most importantly) hardly ever hung out with the AA.

Did you think Ayrton Senna thought of swimming in honey when he made that car hit 200 mph?

For the love of all that's holy, fire the copy writer.

Beautiful Women. In Beautiful Places. With Complete Arseholes.

2007-05-07T07:08:00.000-07:00

Company - Lion Nathan Australia
Product - Beer
Brand - Hahn Premium Lite
Agency - Clemenger BBDO

The Advert - A beautiful woman walks over a Venetian bridge, dressed in a revealing evening dress. Her boyfriend / husband / partner helps her into a Gondola, whence which she sits, sipping champagne. Down historic canals, under ancient bridges, she's clearly enjoying the ride.

Without warning, her partner hauls an enormous fish into the punt and smacks it into her, freaking her out. She drops her glass into the canal as the fish flaps all over her.

He drops the hand-line the fish is attached to and reaches into the wine bucket. He pulls out a twist-top bottle of Hahn Lite, cracks it open and guzzles it down, finishing with a thirst-quenched "Aaaahh...". He looks at her with a grin and says

'What?"

She sits, soaked and smelly, glowering at him.

Strapline - Hahn Premium Lite. Some drink it because they are responsible. Others drink it because they like the taste.

This is another in a series by Clemenger for the Hahn Brand, the title of which can only described as the ' grinning buffoon pisses off his beautiful girlfriend' series. There's one where a pneumatically-chested babe walks Bond Girl-like out of a Pacific lagoon with her boyfriend, and procedes to draw a love-heart in the sand with a stick. He then digs his foot into the sand twice, turning the love-heart into a pair of breasts. He cracks open a bottle of Hahn Lite, glugs it back and looks at her. 'What?"

She storms off.

Strapline.

Another shows a young woman bathing in an enormous bubble bath. She's clearly luxuriating in the experience of being alone. Suddenly her boyfriend dive-bombs her, splashing water all over the bathroom, and drowning her. He cracks open a bottle of Hahn, glugs it back and looks at her.

"What?"

Strapline.

For those who have never lived in Australia, you have a little understanding of the market, and also what lite-beer actually is. Lite beer, which is brewed to be approximately half the strength of normal beer, never really took off in the UK because it tasted awful. In the UK, taste is actually pretty important, because the beers are generally not chilled down. Australian's love to call the UK the home of warm beer, as if it's a bad thing to drink something that will not give you an ice-cream sting in your most-sensitive molar.

In Australia, a lot of beers can really taste very ordinary, but the brewer can get away with this because pretty much all beer is chilled down to a temperature where you really can't taste any difference between the brands. Indeed, go into most pubs in Sydney and the taps actually have ice formed on them. As the classic line goes, drinking Australian beer really is like making love to a beautiful woman in a gondola: it's fucking near water.

Therefore, lite beer has taken off, on the back that the full-strength and lite bottle labels look nearly the same (for instance, you have to look closely at a bottle of Cascade and Cascade Lite to see the difference) and the fact that it's somehow 'responsible' to break up your intake of full-strength beer with the occasional bottle of lite.

In some way, drinking a bottle of 2% strength beer will somehow make you immune from the effects of thepolice breathalyser if you drink one of them for every four full-strength bottles you neck.

So Hahn, which has always been a brand of that would get you sneered at if you brought it to a barbecue in Sydney's Northern Beaches or Eastern Suburbs (especially after Helmut Newton's campaign for James Boag's Premium), have come up with this part sophisticated, part-slapstick effort.

For some reason, Clemenger decided that the best way to re-position Hahn's cheap brand image would be to come up with a campaign whereby women would be shown having their day ruined by the thoughtless behaviour of some oik who (God knows why) they have decided to be seen with.

Let's take the woman in the gondola. She looks fantastic. She's on holiday, in Venice, dressed in amazing evening attire, whereas her boyfriend can't even tuck his shirt into his trousers. This is, of course, the tell-tale sign of a bloke with the beginnings of a pot belly, probably through drinking too much. He helps her down stairs into the Gondola...it looks perfect...but then...

...their relationship has crumbled so badly, he's decided to go fishing. She's clearly making an attempt to make the night work: she looks amazing, great hair, stunning dress...what's the matter with this bloke? A gondola, in Venice, with a beautiful woman, drinking fine wine...only a fool could fuck this up.

And there's the rub. See, Venice is a place where you really would not fish. It's a bit smelly, slightly sulphorous at low-tide, and you really would not want to eat any creature that inhabits those canals. So what's with this bloke? What kind of idiotic fucker is he? And what does it say about her, being with him? You have to assume they have come to the end of their time together, and sadly, although she's trying, he's over her.

At the end of the advert, she's covered in dirty, filty water which probably is contaminated with garbage and rat urine. She's also been smacked upside of her head with what appears to be a large halibut.

And all he can say is "what?"

He's so oblivious, become so tuned-out from this girl, he can't tell the difference between her doused and fish-battered and her looking a million dollars. What we see in these adverts is the last death throe's of relationships that were, on the face of it, between two beautiful people. Unfortunately, one of them was gifted with a cabbage for a brain, and the other has just realised it.

What indeed.

In Australia, this advert is meant to appeal to men who are 'larrikin's'. As far as I could ever tell in my nine years of living in Australia, larrikin's are men under-thirty with a mischevious sense of humour, who like to play jokes and don't really get taken seriously by their friends.

Essentially, men who have never really grown up fully.

But this advert is an indictment of how Hahn see their customers treating their significant others, and what type of person drinks their product.

The fisherman could'nt seem to care less about the distress he's caused his partner, who is desperately trying to keep their relationship together. He's saying

"You may be soaked and your night may be ruined, but I've got a beer and a fucking great fish. Shut up and stop making a fuss."

The guy on the beach see's his partner as no more than a sex object, although she wants more out of him.

"You may want love of a kind, but I'm too immature to provide it. However, you've got a great ass and world-class tits, and I've got a beer. Come back, after you have had your sulk and I've knocked this Hahn Lite back. I may want to fuck something warm."

The guy who dive-bombs his partner in the bath is clearly saying

"Although we've just had sex, cuddle time is all over and now you can see my true self. This beer is GREAT!! How much do you think we will have to pay for the hotel room to be renovated after the water damage I've just caused?"

The best thing these adverts do, and which is a bonus as far as women are concerned, is to be able to have them look closer at the bottle of beer in the hand of any bloke who is standing in a bar/ party / barbecue, and make it easier to identify him as a complete prick. These adverts do that very well: it's actually a public service Clemenger have produced.

As far as males are concerned, feel free to drink Hahn Lite. Of course, you'll be perceived as the sort of person who superglue's the dog's paws to the floor, or covers the toilet in cling-film, or shaves your so-drunk-he's-passed-out friend's eyebrows two days before his wedding...but you'll always have that good ole knock-about larrikin spirit.

And enjoy that great looking girlfriend you have at the moment.

Take it from me, she's not hanging around for long.

I Wanna Be Sedated

2007-05-06T05:10:00.000-07:00

Company - Volkswagen
Product - Automobile
Brand - Passat
Agency - DDB

The Advert - A London square. The camera pans down to an office, where a therapist sits, notepad in hand. A succession of middle-aged men talk about their lives.

First man (pot bellied, scouse accent) sits and tells of taking up the electric guitar since his last visit, and that he had written his first song. He sings

"Hot tub weekend..." then loses track of the lyrics.

Second guy stands with glass of wine, talking about his young girlfriend..."she's twenty-two...you'd never believe it...of course you would if you saw her...".

Third guy says '...I've bought a boat...don't know why..." and laughs.

Fourth guy lies on the couch and says..."I'm still young.."

Fifth guy states that he's taking his clubbing much more seriously, and that he's going to a lot more weekenders.

Sixth guy wishes his wife "...would not take it so personally...it's not about her..it's about Amber..."

Seventh guy says that he either has to "...age with my wife..or she has to...un-age..."

Third guy says "...it's like a razor..." and makes a slicing gesture with his hands.

Second guy laughs and bangs his forehead with his fist and says (I think) "...She's my PA..."

First guy stands.."...there's at least three or four people in the company that fancy me..." He stares out of the office window at a dark blue VW Passat.

"Yours?" he asks the therapist.

"Yes".

"I used to have one of those. Traded it in for a great big motorbike. Not very practical for the school run, but the walk will do the kids good."

Strapline - When all around are losing their heads. Keep yours.

I know of a guy, a doctor. I don't actually know him, but I have seen him in the local pub. He's perfectly charming, educated and witty. He's unlike a lot of doctor's I know, who are angry, bitter, stressed and tired. This guy isn't. He's also the same age as the guys in the advert, and shares their pot bellies and their receding hairlines. He also seems to share some of their perceived failings: namely, he's just bought a Porsche, and he's in a relationship with a woman some twenty years younger than him.

And because the Porsche is beautiful and sexy, and the woman he is seeing is even more beautiful and sexy, he has this permanent smile on his face. He could not be happier.

I also know a bloke who is over fifty and has bought a big motorbike: a Moto Guzzi. He's planning to tour Europe on it this summer, taking in France, Italy and Greece. He's as happy as a squirrel in Autumn. One day, he offered to take Bird out on the back of it. She, not a fan of bikes, agreed with some trepidation. She put on boots, leather trousers and a jean jacket, strapped on a full-face helmet.

Off she roared, holding on for dear life.

When she came back, she had a grin as big as a harbour. "That was fucking amazing" she beamed.

She's become a huge fan of 'American Chopper'.

So here's a few tips for Volkswagen, in their quest to flog a product which is in competition with the newer, cheaper Ford Mondeo.

Firstly, women love yachts. If a guy says "I've got a yacht, want to come sailing?", a lot of women will jump at the chance. Between "would you like to come sailing on my yacht?" or "would you like to come for a drive in my Passat?", there's really only one winner.

Secondly, yachts, big motor bikes, young women / girls...this is what most blokes like to dream about. These are not negatives. Hell, what is on the board here is a four door rep mobile. Anyone who drives an old Passat or Mondeo who thinks about that advert, will not muse on what a nice place to be the cockpit of the new Passat is. Rather, they'll think about the new Triumph...or maybe a Swan 65..or maybe think about the new next-door neighbour, with the tight jeans.

Trying to sell a four door saloon not on it's features, but but by pointing out what fools some men may appear to some people (mainly women) is a dangerous tactic. Because the risk is that your product gets lost in the mindset of the intended purchaser: the advert is not about buying a Passat now, it's about working out how to afford purchasing that bike you always wanted, or maybe sports car, or maybe a boat. It becomes about buying something, but not a Passat.

And there is the chance that your partner, upon noting the supposed 'danger of stupid behaviour' that the advert shows, will tell you to wind your dreams back and get a new car for the school run. And although the dreamer may do this, he'll remember that it was Volkswagen and their fucking Passat advert who blew the gaffe. Suddenly, the Ford or Volvo or Saab look much better cars, because (out of pure spite), you would not want to give money to those bastards who ruined the dream.

Plus what does it say about the Passat? It says it's a safe as milk purchase, for those who want a quiet life. This is not a racy purchase: it won't be tempting, exciting. It's a solid car, for solid people.

This advert actually asks 'are you content with you lot in life? Do you feel you have done enough?', and answers that 'if you are and have, we have the car for you.'

This is not a question to ask the Passat market, for I believe them to be aspirational at the very least.

However, the very last spoken line really sums up how poor this advert is.

"Not very practical for the school run, but the walk will do the kids good."

In this age of thousands of children becoming obese before they are ten years old, is it a bad thing for your kids to walk to school?

Of course not. The school run is one of the dynamics that make town and city driving such a nightmare. Make the sedentary, EMO-fringed little bastards either walk or educate them to catch public transport, and not sit sullenly in the back seat of your new Passat, completely oblivious that Dad has just given up his teenage dreams so that they can spend the forty minutes it takes to drive them to school sending images via their GSM phones of them carving

'I hate myself and want 2 die"

into their wrists.

In fact, what all responsible parents should do is to cancel the order at the VW garage and take the £25,000 it costs to buy a Passat worth having and spend it on a second-hand Porsche 911. Then tell the kids that, although from now on they have to walk to school or catch the bus, the upside is that at weekends, they can join them at a trackside meet and fang the fuck out of the Porker.

In one swift transaction, you are now not only perceived as being much cooler by your kids, your wife can now drive a Porsche to do the shopping.

Or spend it on a powerboat. Or whatever bridges the parent - child divide these days.

Not buying that Passat may just bring the age gap a bit closer, and help bond your family. It could actually save your marriage, get you better sex, make your kids respect and understand you more, and make you more fulfilled.

Crisis? What crisis?

Would the owner of the Chestnut Thoroughbred go to Aisle 6?

2007-05-05T04:51:00.000-07:00

Company - Tesco
Product - Clothing (Women's)
Brand - F&F
Agency - Red Brick Road

The Advert - A sylvan setting. A young, attractive, thin woman dressed in an off-white, almost sheer dress (with black trim and straps) sits astride an equally attractive horse (sex unknown). They walk and canter through woods, observing an owl that for some reason is out during the day. For another unexplained reason, a shot of a beetle crawling over a piece of wood is edited in. Cut to woman and horse striding out across fields, dress flowing in the wind, mud splattering against both her bare legs and the flimsy garment. They trot towards a country manor, it's gardens lit up with lanterns.

The horse is tied up. The woman strips off the dress, wipes herself clean of dirt, and then produces another, identical dress, from a saddlebag. She dresses and walks towards the house, shoes in hand and joins a group of other equally attractive young women.

Strapline - F&F. Affordable Elegance.

I spent half-an-hour mulling over the significance of the beetle, then realised that maybe it's a 'spring-has-sprung' metaphor.

Anyway, since I returned from abroad, which was only a couple of weeks ago, I've been searching for a house in the country. I like my quiet, you see, and our dog (hitherto referred to as 'The Beast') regards city living as unacceptable, due to his skittish nature around emergency services sirens, traffic lights, leaf blowers and hoodies.

Bird's sister, Flange, insists that the way to judge the suitability of an area is to look at it's supermarkets. For instance, an area with a Sainsbury's is automatically ticked off as excellent, and to an extent, a Tesco's is as well. If the area has a Morrison's, the shop needs to be inspected for it's quality. A good Morrison's is fine, but some Morrison's appear to be the dwelling places of those twixt life and after-life.

If the local megamart is a Lidl or Co-Op, Flange urges that you get in the car, lock the door and gun the fucker out of there quick-smart.

So I went to my (currently) local Morrison's, and I was pleasantly surprised. I was able to purchase everything for a Rocket Salad, dressed with sliced pear, blue cheese, walnuts and balsamic glaze. There was cider there, a sweet luxury not easily available in either Australia or the US. And surprisingly cheap wine: Oyster Bay for the same price as I would have bought it in Sydney.

So clearly, things have moved on in the trolley capitals of England, and therefore, this advert kind of makes a semblance of sense to me insofar that Tesco's want you to know that they do quality dresses. Obviously, many major supermarkets and retail outlets are now upping the ante fashion-wise in their product offerings. Or at least, giving the impression of doing so. Recently, Target had Stella McCartney do a line of clothes, which she may or may not have seen before they went to market. Equally, when not clearing her head, Kate Moss has put her name to a range.

And so Tesco's, with it's Florence and Fred label, has decided to do the same. Tesco's isn't going to shell out for some coke fiend slacker, or for a designer who'll want an immense commission for cheapening their couture ideals, but as I stated, they are attempting to give the impression they are raising their game.

However, this is a strange way to go about it.

See, my experience with women who ride horses, is that they smell of horses when they get off them. And unless washed, they remain smelling of horse-flesh for some considerable time. And when you touch them, a small puff of dust appears. As if you have patted a horse, actually.

So, I have to ask: would a thin girl really ride a horse to a party? When she gets off it, she's going to smell, and we don't see her put on any F&F brand perfume. If they make one, which they should. That said, maybe she has a lover, a piece of country rough, whom she visits after the party. She rides to his lodgings (located in the grounds of her father's estate), whereupon he gazes upon her lustily and says

"Is you wearing Tesco's, doll?"

And then she throws him the used dress for him to sniff..."wooohhh missy... eighteen hands...and rising...".

And from the video, her feet are filthy. Surely one of her friends would do the decent thing and say "nice shoes, but your feet..have you been working in a trench today? And sister, do something about that awful honk of sweat!".

The girl also takes one filthy dress off, and puts on another identical one. Now, these dresses (so I am led to believe) are nearly £60 each. So, she's bought at least two. Why not spend £100 on a better dress and the other £20 on a nice, warm, safe, dry taxi? I know it's the country, but she can't live far away.

Why did she ride anyway? Why take the risk of the horse rearing up in fright at the sight of a woodland creature and coming a cropper? Why strip off in full view of the assembled party guests and coquettishly put on your Tesco's garment. Is it a drink thing? Has she been banned? Can you be busted for drinking and riding? Drunk in charge of an equine conveyance? Is she a drunken hussy with no shame?

And also, look, although there's no nipple revelation in the advert, when the muddy dress is hung up, it's fairly diaphanous. When she rides that horse home, she'll catch her death of cold. Unless there was a F&F parka in the other saddle-bag.

This advert says a lot about F&F brand clothes which is all wrong. Sure it says that they look alright on a horse-riding model, but it also says that there's no real issue with using them as expensive towels. I bet she wiped the horse down with that dress as well. The advert looks beautiful, the music (by Camera Obscura) is pleasant enough in a kind-of sub Mazzy Star way, and many people consider the commercial as art, and a homage to a recent M&S advert.

But look, not many people own horses in this country. And those that do either send other people to Tesco's for their shopping or have camped out illegally in the car park, awaiting the police to issue them with an order to move on. Will they buy this dress?

Nice owl though.