I Wanna Be Sedated

Company - Volkswagen
Product - Automobile
Brand - Passat
Agency - DDB

The Advert - A London square. The camera pans down to an office, where a therapist sits, notepad in hand. A succession of middle-aged men talk about their lives.

First man (pot bellied, scouse accent) sits and tells of taking up the electric guitar since his last visit, and that he had written his first song. He sings

"Hot tub weekend..." then loses track of the lyrics.

Second guy stands with glass of wine, talking about his young girlfriend..."she's twenty-two...you'd never believe it...of course you would if you saw her...".

Third guy says '...I've bought a boat...don't know why..." and laughs.

Fourth guy lies on the couch and says..."I'm still young.."

Fifth guy states that he's taking his clubbing much more seriously, and that he's going to a lot more weekenders.

Sixth guy wishes his wife "...would not take it so personally...it's not about her..it's about Amber..."

Seventh guy says that he either has to "...age with my wife..or she has to...un-age..."

Third guy says "...it's like a razor..." and makes a slicing gesture with his hands.

Second guy laughs and bangs his forehead with his fist and says (I think) "...She's my PA..."

First guy stands.."...there's at least three or four people in the company that fancy me..." He stares out of the office window at a dark blue VW Passat.

"Yours?" he asks the therapist.

"Yes".

"I used to have one of those. Traded it in for a great big motorbike. Not very practical for the school run, but the walk will do the kids good."

Strapline - When all around are losing their heads. Keep yours.

I know of a guy, a doctor. I don't actually know him, but I have seen him in the local pub. He's perfectly charming, educated and witty. He's unlike a lot of doctor's I know, who are angry, bitter, stressed and tired. This guy isn't. He's also the same age as the guys in the advert, and shares their pot bellies and their receding hairlines. He also seems to share some of their perceived failings: namely, he's just bought a Porsche, and he's in a relationship with a woman some twenty years younger than him.

And because the Porsche is beautiful and sexy, and the woman he is seeing is even more beautiful and sexy, he has this permanent smile on his face. He could not be happier.

I also know a bloke who is over fifty and has bought a big motorbike: a Moto Guzzi. He's planning to tour Europe on it this summer, taking in France, Italy and Greece. He's as happy as a squirrel in Autumn. One day, he offered to take Bird out on the back of it. She, not a fan of bikes, agreed with some trepidation. She put on boots, leather trousers and a jean jacket, strapped on a full-face helmet.

Off she roared, holding on for dear life.

When she came back, she had a grin as big as a harbour. "That was fucking amazing" she beamed.

She's become a huge fan of 'American Chopper'.

So here's a few tips for Volkswagen, in their quest to flog a product which is in competition with the newer, cheaper Ford Mondeo.

Firstly, women love yachts. If a guy says "I've got a yacht, want to come sailing?", a lot of women will jump at the chance. Between "would you like to come sailing on my yacht?" or "would you like to come for a drive in my Passat?", there's really only one winner.

Secondly, yachts, big motor bikes, young women / girls...this is what most blokes like to dream about. These are not negatives. Hell, what is on the board here is a four door rep mobile. Anyone who drives an old Passat or Mondeo who thinks about that advert, will not muse on what a nice place to be the cockpit of the new Passat is. Rather, they'll think about the new Triumph...or maybe a Swan 65..or maybe think about the new next-door neighbour, with the tight jeans.

Trying to sell a four door saloon not on it's features, but but by pointing out what fools some men may appear to some people (mainly women) is a dangerous tactic. Because the risk is that your product gets lost in the mindset of the intended purchaser: the advert is not about buying a Passat now, it's about working out how to afford purchasing that bike you always wanted, or maybe sports car, or maybe a boat. It becomes about buying something, but not a Passat.

And there is the chance that your partner, upon noting the supposed 'danger of stupid behaviour' that the advert shows, will tell you to wind your dreams back and get a new car for the school run. And although the dreamer may do this, he'll remember that it was Volkswagen and their fucking Passat advert who blew the gaffe. Suddenly, the Ford or Volvo or Saab look much better cars, because (out of pure spite), you would not want to give money to those bastards who ruined the dream.

Plus what does it say about the Passat? It says it's a safe as milk purchase, for those who want a quiet life. This is not a racy purchase: it won't be tempting, exciting. It's a solid car, for solid people.

This advert actually asks 'are you content with you lot in life? Do you feel you have done enough?', and answers that 'if you are and have, we have the car for you.'

This is not a question to ask the Passat market, for I believe them to be aspirational at the very least.

However, the very last spoken line really sums up how poor this advert is.

"Not very practical for the school run, but the walk will do the kids good."

In this age of thousands of children becoming obese before they are ten years old, is it a bad thing for your kids to walk to school?

Of course not. The school run is one of the dynamics that make town and city driving such a nightmare. Make the sedentary, EMO-fringed little bastards either walk or educate them to catch public transport, and not sit sullenly in the back seat of your new Passat, completely oblivious that Dad has just given up his teenage dreams so that they can spend the forty minutes it takes to drive them to school sending images via their GSM phones of them carving

'I hate myself and want 2 die"

into their wrists.

In fact, what all responsible parents should do is to cancel the order at the VW garage and take the £25,000 it costs to buy a Passat worth having and spend it on a second-hand Porsche 911. Then tell the kids that, although from now on they have to walk to school or catch the bus, the upside is that at weekends, they can join them at a trackside meet and fang the fuck out of the Porker.

In one swift transaction, you are now not only perceived as being much cooler by your kids, your wife can now drive a Porsche to do the shopping.

Or spend it on a powerboat. Or whatever bridges the parent - child divide these days.

Not buying that Passat may just bring the age gap a bit closer, and help bond your family. It could actually save your marriage, get you better sex, make your kids respect and understand you more, and make you more fulfilled.

Crisis? What crisis?